Every time I look at a photo of you Shashank, I momentarily forget that it is impossible to meet you anymore, to talk to you, to hear your stories and your smile. To tell you about how crazy life is.

I couldn't believe the news of your passing - that whole week was surreal. The months that followed were full of strange bouts of silence, intense grief, and a lot of regret. Why did we decide not to meet the last time we were in the same place at the same time? Why did I not pick up your call on the 21st, a day before your last?

Most of all, I regret that my daughter never got to meet you. You would have loved her. She has so much energy, Sho and I never know what to do with it - we struggle every day to keep up with her. Helping her find some calm is our primary daily challenge. It's beautiful, hilarious and frustrating. Somehow I am so sure that you could have brought her to a kind of calmness that she would have relished. She would have loved you. I think that's just what I imagine when I picture her in your presence. If you can bring wonder to my eyes, she has no chance. The toys you picked out for her mean so much to us.

I wish I had sent you more photos of her. Is it a coincidence that her birthday is celebrated two days after we remember you? Maybe this is the reason for the intense emotions that flood through me every time I see your photo.

Thanks to your family and friends, I have learnt more about you and your life after your death than before. You were my cool cartographer-conservationist acquaintance at first, then a collaborator for events, then a fellow tech critic and hacker, and then out of nowhere it dawned on me that you are more of a friend than anything else. The lunches in Green Park come to mind where we talked about everything under the sun other than maps, data and servers. We almost worked together too, you had such confidence in me. After you hosted me and my partner in Goa in 2019, I distinctly remember thinking that it would be really nice to live in the same city as you and Supriya again.

***

It's been two years, the shock and the grief continue to feel like something I have not felt before. It has made me question so much about myself. Tejas's recent demise has churned my insides even more.

Anyway, I had tried to write something similar last April but I could not find many words then. Not that this time I have been very coherent or anything. But I wanted to tell you that I miss you, that you live in so many people's hearts, it's unbelievably beautiful. And that the song below reminds me of you.